Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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