Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
