Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
