apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
