it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Oh god it's open bar.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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