he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
