I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
