I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
