I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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