I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize