I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize