I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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