You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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