I think i peed on brittanys purse
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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