I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
