atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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