I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
