Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
