Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So much rum. So many feels.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
