he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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