On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
