Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize