I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm too high and old for this...
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