he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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