why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
