I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
