I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
