It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My penis needs a shock collar
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
