Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
