guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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