I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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