glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize