The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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