Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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