On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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