I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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