You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
