At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
