this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
