He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
