Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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