I'm eating all of the evidence.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
