I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
