There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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