T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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