i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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