The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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