he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
