You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
