hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
