Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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