are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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