I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
