the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
