ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
