Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
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