Your mouth is God's brothel.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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