Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
